Cullen Family Trip to Walmart
by CaramelApple74
Summary: The Cullens take a trip to Walmart one Sunday and run into a bit of trouble. Rosalie insults humans, Jasper gets stalked, Edward sabotages Carlisle, Emmett ticks off the manager, Alice starts a protest, Renesmee threatens Jacob with a drill, and Bella comes out unscathed. ONE-SHOT. Originally part of a multiple chapter drabble fic, but I decided to make it into a one-shot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters, I only made the plot for this one-shot.**

Carlisle and Esme Cullen had to shop at local grocery and department stores to keep up appearances in Oklahoma. Once a week they would drive to a grocery store, grab a shopping cart, and act like what they were doing was the most natural thing in the world to them. It really wasn't. Carlisle had no clue what he bought, or even if humans ate the stuff he picked out, regularly. Everybody ate liver and tofu, right? Esme was the better shopper of the two, although not by much. She picked out the basics: bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper. However, whatever she bought after that was just her taking a shot in the dark.

The rest of the Cullen family never accompanied Carlisle and Esme on their shopping trips, stating that they felt it wasn't necessary for them to tag along. Carlisle had had enough of their excuses, and after getting Esme to be on his side of the matter, decided that they would all take a family shopping trip to the super Walmart that Sunday. He would make sure his family got a taste of the humiliation he went through every week.

Carlisle had the family gather in the living room, and he stood in the center of everyone with his wife at his side. Family gatherings in the Cullen household only meant one of two things; they were moving, or they were in some type of trouble. Since they weren't due to move for another couple years, the rest of the Cullens deduced that they were about to hear something they weren't going to like very much.

"Thank you for showing up everyone," Carlisle started, smiling gently at his family, causing a few of them to shift uneasily in their seats. "As you're all well aware by now, today is shopping day for Esme and I, and it hasn't escaped our notice that none of you have ever accompanied us to any stores. That's going to change right now, as we have arranged a family shopping trip."

"When, next week?" voiced Bella.

Edward stiffened next to her, obviously haven read Carlisle's mind. "No," he spat the word out like he had a personal vendetta with it, "he wants us to go today."

"Edward, don't talk about shopping like that! I happen to love it." Alice retorted, glaring at her brother.

"Maybe you can go buy some more crystal meth thinking that it's sugar, tweaker," Rosalie smirked, checking out her nails.

"That was a long time ago! And besides, I learned a lot about drugs since then. I know every type of them out there so that I don't buy them again."

"And how did you manage to do that?"

"I bought a sample of every drug out there, labeled them all, and put them in my closet of course," Alice supplied with no hesitation.

"Who's your dealer?" Emmett asked, looking far more excited than he should be when discussing drugs.

Alice started to open her mouth and answer Emmett, but Carlisle interrupted. "There will be no purchasing of drugs today. Alice, get those out of the house before we leave, please. Now, We'll be going to Walmart, and-"

The whole family erupted into a mix between protests and cheering all at once.

"WALMART?!" Alice screeched, obviously displeased with the store choice.

"Walmart!" Emmett, Jacob, and Bella applauded, looking enthusiastic.

"Oh hell no," Rosalie growled, and Edward nodded in agreement with her.

Jasper, and Renesmee remained neutral on the matter, appearing like they really didn't care where they went.

"Yes, we're going to Walmart, and there will be no arguing against it. All of you will go, and if you don't, you'll be cut off from the bank accounts for a year," Esme said, speaking for the first time since the meeting began.

There were a few mumbled curses from Rosalie, Edward and Alice, but besides that, they quieted down.

"Good, not that everything's settled, let's go!" Carlisle smirked, ready to laugh at his family's discomfort at Walmart.

* * *

The ride to Walmart was silent for the most part. Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee took Edward's car, Rosalie and Emmett rode together, and Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme took Carlisle's vehicle. Everybody met at the entrance of the store once they arrived to get further instructions from Carlisle.

"Excellent, everyone's here. Now, we're going to split up throughout the store and buy what the humans use normally. Esme and I will get the groceries, Rosalie is going to the beauty department, Jacob and Renesmee are in the automotive section, Edward gets party and occasions, Jasper in the outdoor/camping area, Emmett gets the toy department, Bella's going to patio and garden, and Alice gets clothes and jewelry. Sound good?" Carlisle said, glancing around himself at everyone.

Nobody said anything, so Carlisle took that as a good sign, and everybody then entered the store and went to their respected stations.

* * *

Rosalie hated Walmart with a fiery passion. She hated Carlisle at the moment now too, because he forced her to go to this poor excuse of a store. But most of all, Rosalie hated humans and anything that had to do with them.

She was currently riffling through cheap brands of face makeup, trying to find one pale enough to match her skin color. It wasn't easy, considering she was whiter than a sheet. Being a vampire trying to blend in with humans was harder than it looked.

Rosalie was just about to settle on the palest shade foundation from some brand called 'Covergirl', when somebody cleared their throat behind her. Rosalie spun around to find a woman in her mid-twenties who was wearing so much blush it looked like she just got slapped in the face.

"Excuse me," the woman started, "what shade of lipstick do you think would look better on me?"

Rosalie blinked, not saying anything to her.

"The bright red, or the dark red?" the woman continued, looking far more cheery than Rosalie would care to deal with.

"I don't think you need anymore red on your face. It already looks like you just got smacked," Rosalie deadpanned.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me, you look like somebody just hit you across the face."

"I happen to be a very successful makeup artist, and the blush I'm wearing is the perfect balance to my face," the woman retorted vehemently.

"I feel sorry for your clients, because it's obvious that you have no clue what your doing when it comes to makeup," Rosalie replied impassively.

"And just what is it that you think I'm doing wrong?"

"For starters, your wearing too much blush. The amount of black eye shadow and eyeliner you're wearing makes you look like a raccoon that got a black eye, which is saying something since raccoon's have black eyes, the color of your face doesn't match your neck, and you drew your right eyebrow on crookedly. Is that a sufficient amount of information?" Rosalie asked innocently.

"Nobody can be perfect!" the woman fumed, shooting Rosalie a dirty look.

"I am," Rosalie smiled. "Now run along, I think I saw a beauty salon next door. They _might_ be able to help you, but it'll take a while to get all that shit off your face."

The woman huffed and sprinted down the aisle, leaving her cart behind. Rosalie laughed to herself, thinking that Walmart might not be so bad after all if she could piss off a few more humans while she was there. Now, where was that lady with the huge orange Mohawk in the hair product aisle she saw earlier?

* * *

Jasper had no idea what humans took with them when they went camping, so he just grabbed one of everything in the camping section of the store and put it in his cart. He had a luxury ten person tent, extra fluffy pillows, toasty warm sleeping bags, bug spray, stuff to make something called 'S'mores', a kettle to boil water, and an outdoor grill. Maybe the grill was a bit much, but he was from the south and a big fan of the phrase 'Go big or go home.'

He was just about to go to the checkout and head back to the car, when a sales woman approached him.

"Hello sir, do need help with anything today?" she asked, flashing him a shy smile.

"Um, no, I'm good," he replied, wanting to get away from this woman as she was emitting strong waves of desire. This woman was anything but shy, it was all an act she was putting on.

"Well if you need anything don't be afraid to ask, I'll be right around the corner," she said, winking at him as she left.

Jasper became nervous then, because he came around that corner when he went to the camping section and there was nothing there that an employee would need. That meant she was going to spy on him.

Jasper looked for a quick escape, but found that since he was in one of the back corners of the store, and the only way out was where the woman had just gone to. She had planned this well and knew he would have to leave sooner or later so that she could ambush him. Why did he have to be so good-looking?

Jasper found a solution to his problems; he would just hide out in one of the display tents until the woman gave up and left. Yes, that was a good plan. It was also his only plan, so hopefully it worked. He picked the display tent in the very back of all the tents and climbed in, making sure to zip up the door. There was no way she could see him now. At least he hoped not.

Jasper waited in the tent for thirty minutes according to his watch before deeming it safe to leave. He was just starting to unzip the flap of the tent, when he heard footsteps approaching him and felt the burning waves of desire flowing off the woman. Oh hell, she was back.

"Sir, where did you go? I didn't see you leave."

So she was spying on him! Walmart really needs to hire less crazy employees, or do more extensive background checks or something. Jasper was even wondering if this woman studied Stalking 101 in college. She probably got a master's degree in it if she did.

Jasper didn't say anything, he just sat still and hoped the woman would leave him alone after searching for a few minutes. However, he should have known already that luck wouldn't be on his side.

"Come out come out wherever you are, cowboy. You know, I've always had a thing for men from the south. I'm sure there are a lot of things you could... _teach_ me how to do with a ropes and lasso's," she continued.

Jasper visibly cringed at her words. He really would have rather given up access to the family bank accounts for a year than be stuck in the far right corner of Walmart hiding from this woman. He could have gotten a job too, even at some rundown fast food joint. Anywhere but Walmart right now. Anywhere.

"Found you," the woman whispered, unzipping the flap of the tent in front of Jasper.

Jasper screamed loudly, not having noticed the woman getting nearer to him. She scared him so much that he forgot about his vampire senses, only now realizing he could have sent waves of disgust toward her and she would have left him alone. Now, though, he was screwed.

"Oh, you're a screamer. And you have handcuffs and whipped cream. Kinky," she purred.

Jasper looked confused for a moment, then looked behind him to find a pair of handcuffs and an opened can of whipped cream in the tent. What did people DO in display tents at stores? Just the thought of it was sickening. Jasper looked back toward the woman to find her eyeing him in a very lewd manner and cocking her head to the side. She appeared to be contemplating something, and then pulled her other hand behind her back-which Jasper didn't even realize she was doing in the first place-and dropped two boxes of condoms onto the tent floor.

"What kind do you want to use, cowboy?" she asked seductively.

Jasper didn't even look to see what kinds the condoms were, he just stood quickly and ran like a bat out of hell away from the woman, humans noticing him running at an inhuman speed be damned.

Jasper didn't stop running until he got home, and then he locked all the doors.

He was never EVER going back to Walmart.

* * *

Emmett loved Walmart, especially the toy section. There were so many cool things there, and he didn't even know where to start! There were dolls, dolls for guys, toy cars, bicycles, jump ropes, clay, and so many other things. One thing in particular caught his attention though: hula hoops. Now those looked interesting.

Emmett walked across the toy aisles to the electronics department and took one of the stereos back with him. He grabbed a pink hula hoop and turned on the radio. He switched stations for a bit until he found one that looked promising enough, some song called 'Sexy and I know it' blasting out of the speakers. Emmett put the hula hoop around his waist and started moving his hips to the music.

He caught the attention of a lot of people walking by and soon had an audience. Some people even joined him! He may have been hula hooping very inappropriately, but he was having fun, and the group of woman watching him seemed to be having a good time too! Was there really harm in that? Emmett didn't think so.

Soon the song ended, and another song apparently called 'Low' came on. Emmett found that he was really good at hula hooping, and was even able to drop to the floor while still managing to have his hula hoop going when the part of the song came on telling somebody named Shawty to get low, low, low, low, low.

At some point during the song some woman joined Emmett in his hula hoop, and they swayed to the music together. Everything was going great; people were hula hooping, singing, and dancing to the music. But then the manager came into the scene.

"What is the meaning to all of this?" he screeched, looking beratedly at everyone.

"Hey, grab a hoop and join in," Emmett said, placing a second hula hoop around him and his partner.

"I will do no such thing. This is a department store, not some club! Stop this nonsense immediately!" the manager roared, turning off the stereo and putting it back in its rightful place.

"Chill out dude, we were just having fun."

"Not in the middle of my store!"

Emmett sighed and dis-tangled himself his hula hooping partner, putting the hoops back on the wall. "I'm pretty sure if I checked, I wouldn't see your name on the deed. You're not the owner of the place, just the uptight, underpaid manager. Am I right?"

The manager turned pink, then red, then purple, and then... "Get out of the store!" he yelled, making a few people flinch at his tone. "Out! Now! Don't come back either or I'll call security!"

Emmett nodded and pretended to leave. The other people who were with him grumbled, but then continued on their way. The manager looked pleased with himself, and left back to wherever after a minute. However, Emmett had no intention of leaving the store. He saw a very entertaining looking thing called a Slip 'N Slide on the aisle over.

It was time for game two.

* * *

Edward had no idea what Carlisle was thinking when he sent him to the party and occasions section of the store. What was he even supposed to buy? They weren't throwing a party. Edward grumbled to himself, figuring that he would just grab some random things.

He went to where the paper plates were, and grabbed a package of them with a mouse in red shorts printed on the front of it, smiling widely like it was on crack. What the hell? Edward shook his head and tossed them into his basket, picking out the matching napkins and cups too, ignoring how the creepy creature smiled up at him from there. Humans had some creepy party stuff.

Edward moved down the aisle, picking up party hats that looked simply ridiculous, and then moved on the the party invitations. None of them looked interesting, but then he found one that was mildly amusing. It read:

You're invited to the party

Where we will drink hearty

And then possibly pass out

From having to much Bacardi

So find a designated driver

And be a smarty

Edward laughed at how stupid the card was. It even had little pictures of drinks around the borders! He put them into his basket, guessing that he would find some use for it eventually. Then an idea struck him. It was perfect, and would teach Carlisle a lesson for forcing him to go to Walmart. Edward headed to the liquor aisle and filled his basket up to the brim in alcohol. He went to the checkout then and paid for all of it.

"This is a lot of liquor son, be careful," the checker said, looking at Edward suspiciously.

"Oh, it's not for me," Edward began, smirking. "It's for my father, Carlisle. He's a doctor at the hospital, and when he gets a depression patient, instead of giving them medication he invites them to a drinking party at the house every Friday night. He feels it helps people cope with their problems better. He even supplies the alcohol."

The checker looked shocked at Edward's revelation and gaped at him as he left back to his car to wait for Jacob, Bella, and Renesmee.

That should teach Carlisle.

* * *

Alice couldn't believe how terrible the clothes at Walmart were. Everything was polyester! That was undeniably the worst material out there. Where was the satin? The cashmere? The silk? Nothing at Walmart was even fashionable. The jewelry was bad too; it was all fake! Fake gold, fake silver, and fake diamonds. What the hell was this place?

Alice couldn't let this go on anymore. She wouldn't. People deserved better than this, and she would be sure that nobody wore these morbid clothes anymore.

Alice walked briskly to the stationary department of Walmart, and found large pieces of construction paper and markers. She set to work at once, making protest signs, and saving one piece of paper to fold into a cone and use as a makeshift bull-horn.

When she was finished she went to the front of the clothing department and held one of her signs high in the air. She pulled the bull-horn to her mouth with her other hand, and spoke loudly and clearly into it. "Attention people at Walmart! I will not stand for the drab, cheap clothes sold here! We deserve better quality clothes at stores. Join me in protest, and together, we can stop this. Together, we can be fashionable!"

Everyone in the vicinity turned and looked at Alice, some of them amused, some confused, some insulted-they obviously bought their clothes at Walmart-, and a couple of people came and joined Alice. She was ecstatic, and handed everyone their own sign. Alice felt pretty amazing at the moment knowing that she would make a difference in these people's poor fashion choices.

Alice and her new found allies marched around the clothing department chanting: "Bad fashion choices we will not stand, everybody take our hand. Better clothes is what we want, until we get them, we won't stop."

This continued for about fifteen minutes before the manager came.

"Ma'am," he said, standing in front of Alice. "May I use your bull-horn for a moment?"

"Of course sir!" Alice said happily, handing the bull-horn over to him.

"Thank you," he said, smiling falsely, and then his expression changed as he raised the bull-horn to his mouth. "Get the hell out of my store!" he yelled in Alice's face.

Alice was shocked and was about to say something, but someone beat her to the point.

"It's not really his store!" Emmett boomed as he went sliding down the main aisle on a Slip 'N Slide filled with water, followed by a few more people.

Alice couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation and the aghast look on the manager's face.

"Security!" the manager cried into the bull-horn.

* * *

Jacob loved cars. Renesmee liked riding in cars, but wasn't that big a fan of them. Together in the automotive department of Walmart, the two clearly weren't seeing eye to eye.

"Look at all the tools!" Jacob enthused, looking like a kid in a candy store.

"I see them, Jake. Pick out a few so we can leave," Renesmee said, boredom seeping into her voice already.

"Hey, we just got here. Give me a while to look around. Oh, look! They have new drills!"

Renesmee sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing that they would be at the store for a while. Jacob took ages to pick out tools, even if he came to the store already with an idea of what to purchase.

After twenty minutes of Jake comparing different drills and trying to decide which one to get, Renesmee started to get impatient. "Jake, could you hurry it up? This is boring," she said, leaning against a display table.

"Hold on babe, I'm busy right now," Jacob said, waving a hand in her direction offhandedly.

Renesmee raised her eyebrows at her boyfriend, not believing what he just said to her. She pursed her lips and looked at the display drill to her right. She picked it up and turned it on, making the drill bit spin.

Jacob looked at her curiously. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"If you talk to me like that again I'll stick this where the sun don't shine," she replied coolly, giving Jacob an innocent look.

Jacob visibly paled, and his eyes darted to the drill next to him. "I'll get this one!" he shouted, grabbing the box and sprinting down the aisle to the checkout.

"That's what I thought," Renesmee smirked, congratulating herself on a job well done.

* * *

Bella liked shopping at normal person stores. It gave her a break from all the places Alice dragged her to. Bella especially liked buying things from the patio and garden section; it was calming.

She bought patio furniture, cushion sets, awnings, a bird bath, outdoor lighting, and planter pots. Bella wondered if everyone else was having as easygoing of a time as she was. Probably so. What could go wrong? It was Walmart after all.

After getting everything she wanted, Bella headed to the checkout. After everything was paid for she went to the car, only to find a smirking Edward and Renesmee, a nervous Jacob, and a trunk full of alcohol.

Maybe things didn't go so easy for everyone.

* * *

When all the Cullens returned home Carlisle called for another family meeting.

"So, how did everyone's day go? How many of you like Walmart now that you've been there?" Carlisle asked.

Bella, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and Renesmee all raised their hands. Alice, and Jacob looked scared, and Jasper just yelled something unintelligible even to vampire hearing and ran up the stairs.

"Well, that's better than earlier. Rosalie, why don't you tell us why you found Walmart to be such a nice place? I have to tell you, I didn't expect you to like it."

Rosalie smirked. "I like making fun of the humans. I think it's my new hobby."

"Rosalie," Carlisle reprimanded. "that's not nice."

"I don't care. You forced to me go to the store, you deal with what happens once I've been there."

Carlisle sighed, and moved on to Emmett.

"I like the hula hoops, the Slip 'N Slide, and pissing off the manager."

"Emmett," Carlisle said in exasperation, but knowing he could do nothing to change Emmett's opinions. It was Emmett he was talking about after all.

When Carlisle asked Renesmee what she liked about Walmart, she just smiled which caused Jacob to pale. And Bella said she got a lot of nice stuff. She seemed to be the only normal one out of the bunch.

And then there was Edward.

"Son, what did you like about Walmart?"

He didn't get an answer though, just heard tires screeching to a halt outside and people walking up the steps to the door. Carlisle opened it, and was immediately apprehended by two police officers. "What is the meaning of this?" Carlisle asked, completely shocked.

"You're under arrest for purposefully giving wrongful prescriptions to depression patients. How could you give them alcohol?" one of the officers said, dragging Carlisle out the door.

The last thing Carlisle saw before he was taken to the police car was Edward's smirking face, and then it all clicked together. "Edward!" Carlisle yelled, his voice echoing throughout the area.

Edward just smirked wider. That would teach Carlisle.

* * *

**Hope you liked this!**

**I'm always looking for constructive criticism, so let me know if there's anything I can do to improve this fic!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~CaramelApple74~**


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